


Maybe, Probably

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Love, M/M, Marriage, Mildly Dubious Consent, Pon Farr aftermath, Romance, Soul Bond, T'hy'la
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2019-11-04 12:31:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17898482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: When Kirk and Spock are stranded on a planet, Spock experiences Pon Farr. After their rescue, Jim isn't sure where that leaves their newly formed bond and their friendship.





	1. What Now?

Jim stepped into his quarters and stood there in the middle of the main room for a moment, uncertain how to feel or what to do.

His gaze raked over the space. Would it have to change? Did he have to get a bigger bed? Make room for someone else’s stuff?

Or would…would Spock even want that? Would he just want to keep everything the same? Him in his quarters and Jim in his. As though nothing at all had changed.

Jim had just been released from the medbay after being there for two days. Bones had said he could have forty-eight more hours. Spock too. Under the circumstances they were docked at Yorktown, because that space station had been closest to the ship's location when they'd been rescued.

And Bones had…well, he’d had to contact Starfleet.

The thing was…this was the fault of the mission. Spock hadn’t wanted this. Jim didn’t even know if he’d wanted it. Sure, he wanted…something with Spock, but, um, well, he hadn’t really had all this in mind.

They’d been stranded. The planet had been strange. Stranger than any Jim had yet encountered and something, somehow, made Spock go into his time. And that time had been irrevocably with Jim.

Three solid days of sexual claiming. And during that time, their minds had connected, bonded.

When they’d finally been rescued they’d been wrapped up together, still naked, both of them. A tangle of limbs. Spock had been, at first, reluctant to release Jim to the crew, but then reason returned, he recognized Bones and Uhura and the others, and he let go.

Jim had not seen him in person since, but, oh, yes, he felt him. Their minds were interlocked. He got Spock’s thoughts sometimes even and he was sure Spock got his. And he felt the Vulcan’s emotions too. Confusion, irritation, anger. Jim didn’t personally feel the second two emotions, but yes, he felt the first. And sorrow and fear. Because he was both sad and afraid that this was the last thing Spock would have wanted.

Bones had healed Jim all over. Jim was fine mostly. Nothing more than some scrapes and bruises and soreness. And some of that was from being stranded there and had nothing to do with Pon Farr.

Thinking the words made his quarters hot and heavy somehow. Oppressive. He tugged at his T-shirt. He hadn’t bothered with his uniform just yet as there was no need. Bones himself had fetched these clothes for him as he’d worn a medbay gown while he’d been there.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Uhura’s voice had him wincing. She and Spock hadn’t been together anymore, Jim knew that, but still she had to have feelings over his sudden shotgun wedding with Spock. And as Bones and M’Benga had advised, in the laws of Vulcan and the Federation, they were married now.

He strolled over to his terminal and sat down. He was glad he could without any residual discomfort. “Kirk here.”

She appeared on his screen, her expression one of perfect professionalism. “Sorry to disturb you, Captain. Admiral Freemont for you.”

Jim nodded. “Put him through, Lieutenant.”

Freemont appeared on his screen, his one blind eye looking clouded in his scarred, battered face. “Jim, how are you feeling, son?"

“Good, sir. Much better.”

“Of course we have your CMO’s full report on what happened on Beta Ceti 8.”

Jim waited.

“Everything’s in order on our end.”

“Admiral?”

“Everything’s been filed for your new…relationship with Commander Spock. We’ve been in touch with the Vulcan High Council as well. Now, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, Jim, that the Vulcans take this bonding thing very seriously.”

“No, sir. I know.”

“And consequently, they expect you to remain bonded with Commander Spock.” Freemont leaned back in his chair. “However, that being said, circumstances being what they were, you had little choice in the matter on Beta Ceti 8, and therefore, if you’d prefer to initiate a dissolution of your bond with Commander Spock, given those unfortunate circumstances, Starfleet will acquiesce to your wishes.”

“I understand.”

“What would you like to do, Jim?”

“Uh. I really don’t know, sir. I don’t think I have an objection to being bonded to Spock, but to be honest I’m still not even sure what it all means or entails. We, uh, haven’t had much time to talk since we were rescued.” Jim shook his head. “And it’s not only up to me, obviously. Spock didn’t have much choice either and I’m guessing he might not be fully onboard with this idea.”

“You think he wants to dissolve the bond?”

“I think it’s called sever or something,” Jim replied. “And maybe. He might. I sense anger in him to be honest. I don’t think this is the result he would have chosen for himself if we hadn’t been stranded on Beta Ceti 8.”

“Surveys are still being done for Beta Ceti 8 but for now, we’re calling it off limits to other Federation ships. We’re not yet sure what caused Commander Spock to enter into his, er, unmentionable time.”

Jim’s lips twitched, though it really wasn’t funny. But the old admiral was clearly uncomfortable with the details of Spock’s time.     

“I think Spock was just as surprised as anyone.”

“For now, you’re to stay docked at Yorktown for the next two days, Jim. We’ll reevaluate at the end of those days. Obviously if this bond interferes in your command team as it is, we’ll have to reassess that too.”

“I don’t think it will, sir. We’re well aware of our duties, Admiral.”

“I have no doubt of that, Jim. You two are exemplary examples of our finest officers. We’ll be speaking with Commander Spock as well. For now, Freemont out.”

The thing was, Jim most definitely had been interested in sex with Spock before the whole ‘Okay, we gotta’ happened. But he hadn’t acted on it. And really, he wasn’t sure he ever would. Because while he wanted Spock more than anyone, respected Spock more than anyone, loved Spock more than anyone, if he were honest, Jim didn’t have a lot of friends, not that he could trust and rely on like he could Spock and Bones, and he hadn’t wanted to lose that, lose Spock, with sexual and romantic nonsense that could and would only complicate things.

Besides, up until Beta Ceti 8, Jim had been sure that any feelings Spock had for him were most certainly platonic in nature. He’d never given Jim one reason to think otherwise. Until obviously Jim was lying under him with Spock’s tongue in his mouth and um, well, other parts in other parts. But he shouldn’t be thinking like that. Should he?

Jim had never thought he’d commit to anyone. Because obviously the person, Vulcan, being, whatever, he loved could never be his. But now, he was. But it was probably only temporary, right? Why would Spock want to be permanently bonded with him?

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Uhura again. She sounded a bit harried this time.

Jim frowned. “Kirk here.”

“Captain, there’s a Vulcan priestess asking for permission to come onboard.”

“To see Spock?”

“No, Captain. To see you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, sir.” She cleared her throat. “Something about giving you pointers on being bonded to a Vulcan.”

Jim’s mouth hung open. “What?”

Uhura shrugged. “She happened to be on Yorktown and heard about it. She feels you could benefit from her instructions.”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. “Swell.”

“Should I tell her to take a flying leap?”

“Yes.” Jim sighed. “But probably shouldn’t. Let her onboard.”


	2. Priestess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made up a bunch of stuff for this story, so...

Her name was T’Sa. Over the years, Jim had seen his share of Vulcans, but he had never met her.

She was of undetermined age. Or at least he couldn’t tell. Older than Spock, he thought, but younger than Spock’s father. She had very dark hair, almost black, and it was pinned up all around her head in ringlets. Kind of fancy for a Vulcan, Jim thought.

He’d decided, at the last minute, to put on his dress uniform when he met her, or rather she was brought to him, in a conference room that he had set up with Vulcan appropriate refreshments. He couldn’t quite point out why, but he didn’t want her in his private space, his quarters, maybe theirs if Spock wanted it that way.

He’d tried to reach Spock to, he guessed, let him know if he wanted to know, that T’Sa was aboard, but he couldn’t reach him. He wasn’t even on the ship and Uhura had advised, while avoiding Jim’s gaze, that she saw him leaving to go somewhere on Yorktown.    

T’Sa wore slacks, rather shiny silver ones, with a matching tunic that looked rather militant. He supposed it might match her intended advice. For some reason he expected all those formal, heavy looking robes he’d seen Vulcans on Yorktown wearing earlier, but somehow the look suited her and her fancy hair.

“Captain Kirk,” she said, when they had been left alone in the conference room.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said, politely. Vulcans might not lie, but Humans had little trouble with it. “Tea?”

She almost sneered, though she hid it well. “Replicated?”

“No. Fresh brewed.” Jim pointed to the ornate teapot. It was something he had purchased on one of their shore leaves, with Spock in mind, actually, but he’d never gotten up the nerve to actually present it to him as a gift, and so Jim ended up using it instead. Once when they’d played chess in his quarters, not a very normal practice, at that, Jim had brought out the teapot and served Spock tea. His first officer had admired it, which left Jim wishing he had given it to him after all.

“Then I accept. I am impressed you thought to prepare tea.”

He shrugged slightly. “I know a few Vulcans.”

She sat at the table and accepted the teacup he handed her. “Perhaps. But I would guess not as well as you will need to, Captain. Please sit.”

Jim took the seat beside her and pushed toward her the small plate of fruit and Vulcan pastries. She arched a brow and took one, but said nothing.

“May I call you James?”

“I prefer Jim.”

T’Sa nodded. “Very well. The circumstances of your bonding with Spock are unusual.”

“I suppose so.”

“Normally when Vulcans decide to bond with…outworlders, preparations are made. Not that it is a common occurrence, mind you. Spock’s father, of course, bonded to a Human female. And their circumstances were quite different.”

Jim nodded. “Right.”

“She went through the training.”

“Training.”

“Vulcans normally bond with other Vulcans, as Spock’s father did with his first wife. It was hoped that Spock…” She stopped herself and shook her head. “That is irrelevant. Prior to the circumstances that bonded you with Spock on Beta Ceti 8, you did not have a relationship with him, is that correct?”

“We were friends. Close friends.”

T’Sa almost rolled her eyes, but she was cool as a cucumber. She picked up the tea and took a sip. Jim noticed she had finished the pastry. “But not in the more intimate sense.”

“No.”

“His intimate relationship with the Human female, Nyota Uhura, had ended prior to this?”

Jim moistened his lips and nodded, shifting in his chair.

“Other than a casual friendship, your connection to Spock was as his commanding officer.”

He bristled at the ‘casual friendship’, but on the other hand, Jim couldn’t exactly deny it. “Yes. As we have already established.”

“I only seek to understand all there is to know, Jim, prior to informing you what will be required of you as the mate to a Vulcan. There is no judgment.”

“Okay.”

“You must not seek to make Spock more Human.”

Jim stared at her. “Is that one of the lessons?”

Her lips thinned. “Yes. We have begun. Spock has chosen to live fully Vulcan, I trust that you are capable of respecting that.”

“It’s not my intention to change him.”

T’Sa nodded. “You must acknowledge that your emotions are a burden to him.”

“I’m sorry?”

She waved her hand. “Through no fault of yours, exactly. You are what you are. And whether it is the ideal situation or not, it must be maintained as properly as possible. Human emotional states are burdensome to Vulcans. While engaged in interaction with Spock, it is understood that you will have to suppress them.”

“Wait. What?”

She sighed. “While engaged in interaction with Spock, it is understood that you will have to suppress them.”

“No, I heard you. It’s just…you don’t want me to change Spock, but you want _me_ to change for Spock.”

“You are unwilling to compromise?”

His jaw muscle jumped. “I didn’t say that.”

She took another sip of tea. “I am hardly expecting you to refrain from being Human, Jim. I am merely asking you to restrain yourself from excessive emotions around your bondmate.”

“What else?” He kept his tone neutral, polite.

“You have a certain…reputation.”

“What?”

“That is certainly your business, whether it is valid or imagined, is not my concern. But Vulcans do not have the same physical requirements Humans have. Many Vulcans only entertain physical intimacy during their time. Whatever arrangement you make with Spock, I would advise against forcing physical intimacy on him when it is not welcome.”

Jim’s mouth hung open. “What exactly are you accusing me of here?”

She made an impatient sound. “I am not accusing you of anything. To imply otherwise is illogical and overwrought. I am merely informing you that that you may have expectations in your marriage that Spock does not have.”

“I haven’t even had a chance to discuss this with Spock. I’m not even sure where he is and—”

“Yes, at present he is with other Vulcans,” she cut in. “What Spock just went through requires deep meditation and he was unable to achieve it on the Enterprise.”

“We may not even remain bonded.”

“You would seek to make Spock unstable?”

“Look, I don’t even know if Spock wants to maintain our bond.”

“Vulcans value their bonds. You will need to learn to value yours too.” She pushed the teacup away and stood. To Jim’s surprise, T’Sa scooped up another pastry. “The most important thing is that you do not overwhelm him with your…”

“Humanness.”

She nodded, missing the sarcasm. “Exactly. Especially in the beginning. At some point, I am certain he will shield your minds from each other so that neither of you has to experience the constant presence of an outsider. But that does take some practice and Spock is relatively young and inexperienced.”

Jim nodded and led her toward the conference. “Let me escort you to the way off the ship.”

“Thank you.”

A short time later, he watched her walk over the covered pathway that led from the Enterprise back down to Yorktown.

The Ensign standing at the entrance/exit smiled shyly at Jim. He smiled back at the young man, a boy really, he looked so young.

“Have a good day, Ensign.”

Jim went back into his ship. He only _wished_ he could meditate on all this shit.  


	3. Conversations

“Where’s Spock?”

Jim stepped aside to let Bones into his quarters. “Your guess is as good as mine. He’s having an existential crisis, apparently.”

“Huh?”

Jim shrugged. “Drink?”

“Make mine a double.” Bones sat on Jim’s couch while he watched him pour two glasses of whiskey. “I went to his quarters. He wasn’t there. Thought maybe he’d moved in here. You know like most married couples.”

“Well. It was more of a shotgun wedding, wasn’t it?” He handed Bones his glass and lowered himself gingerly to the sofa.

“Still sore?”

Because of course Bones missed nothing.

“A little. It got pretty intense there.”

“I saw. The injuries, I mean. Not the way you got them.”

Jim smiled faintly.

“If anyone was forced into this, Jim, it was you. So you’d think he’d be a lot more considerate than he’s being.”

“I don’t know what he’s being, Bones. He didn’t choose this.”

“Well, you sure as hell didn’t either.”

“I know. But with Spock, it was all biological. He literally had to fuck or die.” Jim sipped his whiskey. “And I was the only vessel.”

“Did you give consent?” Bones asked, sharply.

“He’s my friend, Bones.”

“I know he’s your friend. But I’m asking, did you have any kind of conversation about whether it was okay to do to you what he did?”

“Was I supposed to let him die?”

Bones sighed and took two large swallow of his own drink. “I’m guessing by your evasive answers, that’s a no. What I’m getting at here, Jim, is that it’s very possible that Spock is dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt for the fact he sexually assaulted his friend and commanding officer.”

“Bones, I don’t consider it a sexual assault.”

“Maybe he does. It’s debatable, Jim. You’re biased in Spock’s favor. You think I don’t know how you feel, but I do.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jim grumbled.

“No? So you didn’t already have the hots for Spock?”

“No! I would have done the same for any member of my crew,” Jim insisted. “You, Scotty, whoever.”

“It wasn’t anyone else though, Jim. It’s Spock.”

Jim ran his fingers through his hair. “And now he’s avoiding me. I don’t know. I think this priestess is probably right.”

“What did she tell you?”

“I think, basically, keep my distance.” Jim sighed and finished his drink. “Spock probably didn’t want to do it with me, but what choice did he have? And Vulcans, I guess, only go wild like this every seven years. Otherwise…well, I don’t know.”

“Somehow I doubt that’s entirely true. He was with Uhura for years. You think they maintained celibacy?” Bones scoffed. “They didn’t. She used to come into the medbay and talk to Chris. I hear everything.”

“But she’s a woman.”

“Are you implying Spock would care that you’re not?”

Jim grimaced. “Some do.”

“I don’t think that applies to Spock.”

“Well, anyway, T’Sa said I shouldn’t push my human sexual desires on Spock.”

“She said that?”

“Yes. Or anything else human, for that matter. Keep my human emotions, thoughts, and sexiness to myself.”

Bones leaned back and eyed him. “Okay, but that’s what T’Sa says. You don’t know that Spock feels that way.”

“She implied she was speaking for him. That she was the Vulcan representative assigned to speak to the dumb human while the fragile Vulcan was off having a fit of the vapors.”

“Spock having vaporous fits?” Bones asked, doubtfully.

“How the hell should I know? I haven’t seen him since I saw him briefly being examined in the medbay after the whole damn ordeal.”

Bones leaned forward to scoop up the decanter and he refilled their two glasses. “You could have the bond broken, right?”

“Severed. Yeah. And to be honest, Bones, that’s how I’m leaning. The last thing I wants is Spock getting stuck with something he doesn’t want. And the fact he can’t even face me afterward, well, I think that tells me all I need to know.”

“What’s Uhura think?”

“They aren’t together anymore and weren’t before all this.”

Bones waved that away. “I know. But she might have some insights into Spock.”

“Oh, sure, hey, Ny, want to give me the gruesome details of your years long courtship with Spock? No thanks.”

“Well, one’s thing for sure. You have an answer to everything.”

Jim snorted. “I have an answer to nothing. And that’s the problem. I’m guessing when Spock comes back he’s going to say let’s end this whole thing and get back to the way we were and pretend it never happened.” He lifted his glass. “I’ll drink to that.”

Bones held his drink up. “Cheers then.”

“Cheers.”

****

He was digging into a big bowl of ice cream when he received notification his mom was on the line. He hit accept.

“Hey, Mom.”

Two manicured eyebrows went up. “That’s not Double Malted Fudge Ripple ice cream, is it?”

He swallowed guiltily. “How’d you know? Or what passes for it here anyway.”

“Are the rumors true then?”

“Rumors?”

“Did my baby get married?”

“I’m no one’s baby, Mom. And well, sort of, but not really.”

“Want to explain that?”

Jim dug into his ice cream. “It’s not like a real marriage or anything. It happened because we were stranded on a planet and Spock…you don’t want to know that part. Trust me.”

She grimaced. “Did he hurt you?”

“Yeah. I mean, no. Well, it’s hard to explain. Anyway, some kind of bond formed. It’s temporary though.”

“Is it?”

“Maybe, probably. There are a bunch of Vulcans here and my guess is they’re having a Vulcan High Council meeting over it right now.”

“Over a marriage?” she asked, doubtfully.

“They take it pretty seriously. I think they expected Spock to form an alliance with a fellow Vulcan. It’s complicated. Anyway, what happened on the planet was to save his life. And now that it’s been saved, I’m pretty sure there’s no marriage. Or won’t be.”

She watched him eat for a bit without comment. “Is that why you’re scarfing down Double Malted Fudge Ripple?”

“Maybe, probably.” He waved his spoon, feeling a little drunk on sugar. And maybe self-pity. A dose of that for sure.

“So this is all your first officer? The Vulcan? So there was no marriage ceremony.”

“Nope. Just…that’s the part you really do _not_ want to know about. There’s this seven year thing and I don’t know something on the planet caused Spock to go haywire and if we didn’t, um, do what we did, he would have died. But now he’s not and all’s well. The end.”

“You know if you ever actually do get married, I expect to be there.”

“You didn’t want to be there, Mom.”

“James Tiberius.”

He winced. Shoved more ice cream in his mouth. He nodded. Saw something out of the corner of his eye standing not too far from the entrance of his quarters. He straightened and almost dropped his ice cream bowl. Saved it and its contents, thankfully, at the last minute.

“Uh. Mom. I hate to cut this short but I have to go. Now.”

“Jim—”

“Talk soon.”

He hit end. Put the bowl of Double Malted Fudge Ripple down on the desk. Stood up. Pulled down his T-shirt when he realized his belly was exposed.

“ _Spock_.”


	4. Talk Some Sense

For the longest time, Spock didn’t speak. He just stood there, ramrod straight, staring at Jim.

How much had Spock overheard of his conversation? Jim had no clue and naturally Spock’s impassive face showed nothing.

“Captain.”

Hope died and shriveled in his chest. He didn’t know what he expected, exactly, but the stiltedly spoken title was not it.

His own gaze strayed to the ice cream, and then back to Spock. He cleared his throat. “Mister Spock.”

Spock didn’t say anything else and didn’t even move.

“I-I haven’t moved any of your stuff in or-or…wasn’t sure…” Jim stopped uncertainly. He rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn’t good at this. Any of it. Which is why he simply didn’t do relationships or anything close to it.

“Under the circumstances I would not have expected you to do so.”

His gaze flew up to Spock’s face. “Circumstances?”

“I have begun to file reports against my behavior and—”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I wanted to assure you that I will be held accountable for my actions against you, Captain.”

Jim closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re giving me a fucking headache.”

“Jim.”

Cool fingers touched his forehead causing him to open his eyes to find Spock very close now, his hand on Jim’s face still.

“If it is the bond that formed giving you discomfort, I have already made arrangements to release you from this obligation.”

“Spock, it’s not the damn bond. It’s _you_. God, you’re just…where have you been all this time?”

Spock stepped back, his hand dropping from Jim’s face. “Consulting with the elders.”

“T’Sa was here.”

“T’Sa? What for?”

“To tell me how to be the perfect Vulcan bondmate.”

“I…I am sorry. Jim.”

Jim blew out a breath and put more distance between them. “You didn’t send her?”

“No. I would not. I wished to deal with this myself. Given my sexual assault of your person I intend to turn myself over to the authorities here on Yorktown.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, Spock, there was no sexual assault. I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t going to let you die.”

Spock’s eyes darkened as he shook his head. “Can you deny that you had never anticipated a sexual relationship between us?”

“Well. No. I…I didn’t,” Jim admitted, because he did think there should be honesty between them.

“And because of my Vulcan biology it was forced on you.”

“Through no fault of yours.”

“I cannot agree,” Spock insisted.

“Well, you know what, I’m the captain and I get to say what happened.”

“Jim—”

“At least you’re calling me by my fucking name now.”

Spock backed up a step. “You are angry.”

“Because you’re being really fucking annoying and stubborn and you won’t even let me get a word in edgewise because you’re determined to, I don’t know, wear a hair shirt or something—”

“I do not know of a shirt with hair—”

“ _Spock_.” Jim wanted to scream. “Can you shut up for one damn minute?”

Spock opened his mouth and then closed it.

“We both did what had to be done in order for you to survive, right? You didn’t know that was going to happen. We didn’t even know we’d be stranded there. I understood what was going on before we engaged in, well, as you stated before, sexual copulation. Starfleet knows everything and you’re not being held accountable. You got all that?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim nodded. Exhaled. Ran a hand through his hair. “Good. We’re getting somewhere.” He stared at Spock, narrowing his eyes. “And so help me if you say where are we getting, I won’t be responsible for what happens next.”

“I will not.”

“Okay. Where-where does this leave us? Are you…did you hear my conversation with my mom?”

“Some. It was not my intention to eavesdrop, however—”

Jim waved that away. “Did you really start the proceedings to, I don’t know, sever this thing, this bond between us. Is that why you met with the elders?”

Spock hesitated and then nodded.

Jim clenched his fingers digging his nails into his palms. “Without talking to me?”

“You admitted you had no sexual attraction to me.”

Jim laughed. It was a hollow sound. “That is _not_ what I said. I said I didn’t expect to ever have a sexual relationship with you. I am plenty sexually attracted to you, buddy, plenty. And then there’s the emotional attachment. There’s no way I’m going to let you die. Not ever.”

“Jim, that is not logical. There may be times—”

“No. No. But you…after everything, you couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me after all this, you just went marching off to your Vulcan elders to see how you could cut me loose.”

“Jim—”

“Fuck. Is that all you can say, Spock? Just…Jim?”

“I…do not know what to say.”

Jim turned away. “Get out.”

Spock didn’t respond, but he supposed that was better than him saying ‘Jim’ again.

Jim turned back then. “Am I too human?”

“What?”

“T’Sa. She mentioned that I would…that I should curtail my humanness, I guess. In order to fit in. You wouldn’t want me otherwise.” Jim approached him then, put his hands on Spock’s biceps, holding him in pace. “Is that what it is? You don’t even want to give me a chance because the idea of being tied to a human is too much for you? It didn’t work out with Uhura. Was that why? And then you got stuck with me. You asked me if I wanted you, Spock, but you’ve never said you wanted me.”

Spock blinked, rapidly. His eyebrows crumbled. “Jim—”

Jim shook his head, disappointed, turning away. Spock drew him back.

“I do.”

And Spock yanked him forward, covering Jim’s mouth with his own.


	5. I Had An Awesome Dream

For a long moment, and yet a moment that didn’t seem nearly long enough, Spock kissed him. It was much more gentle than the all-consuming, lip crashing kisses of their Pon Farr, sweeter and shyer, as though Spock feared his ultimate rejection.

When Spock finally pulled back, he was panting softly, and he almost immediately leaned his forehead against Jim’s, just a slight, pleasing pressure.

“My actions on the planet.”

“What about them?”

“If I have caused irrevocable harm—”

Jim touched Spock’s cheek, drawing him away from Jim, slightly, so that he could look into those deep, dark brown eyes.

“You never could.”

The eyelids dropped down to cover his eyes. “That is not how I would…”

“What?” Jim prodded when Spock wouldn’t continue.

The lids raised again, the dark eyes seeing into Jim’s soul, it seemed. “That is not how I would have wished for it to go between us.”

“What to go?”

“Our…first time.”

Jim paused for a moment, taking that in. For it seemed like a declaration. Something entirely important, not at all to be taken lightly.

“You…thought about our first time together?” And though the words tasted strange on his tongue, he spoke them, “making love?”

“Yes. I…” Spock’s cheeks turned a darker shade of green. “I daydreamed about it.”

His chest tightened. “I don’t-I don’t know if anyone’s ever done that with me.”

Spock looked close to rolling his eyes. “I am quite certain multiple individuals have played out sexual scenarios with you in their imaginations.”

Jim shook his head. “Not like you.”

Spock looked away. “I attacked you like an animal in heat rather than as a lover who treasured you as you deserve.”

“But…Spock. I’ve never expected that.”

He looked back at Jim, his gaze intense. “Perhaps not, but it is what you should have. I intended to advise you, when I developed the courage, of my romantic interest in you. I had delayed it for too long, I recognized that when we were stranded on the planet.”

“Why did you wait so long?”

“Because you could have _anyone_. You have not, in the entire time I have known you, lacked for interested partners. When we were at that bar last time during shore leave they stood in a line to get your attention.”

“Spock, no, that’s not—”

“Please, allow me to finish. You can have anyone,” Spock said again. “You have more fire and passion and lust for life than anyone I have ever known. Why would you want a skinny, repressed Vulcan who once had you up on dishonesty charges and tried to strangle you?”

“Because I love you,” Jim said simply. “Maybe I had sex with more people than I should have, I don’t know. But I’ve never been in love before I met you. I think you’re beautiful, inside and out. You are stunning.”

“But—”

“Shh.” Jim put his fingertips on Spock’s mouth to stop his words. “I’m not afraid of rough sex or whatever you want to call it. Not with you. Because I know you would never really hurt me. And while it’s absolutely true, I never thought we’d have a sexual encounter on some whacked planet or anywhere really, it’s never been because I didn’t want you. I’ve been crazy in love with you for years.”

“But you never said.”

“I know. For a long time you were with Uhura and it wasn’t my place to interfere with that, no matter my feelings. And when the two of you were no longer together, by then, I felt we were very firmly in the friend zone.” His own gaze skittered away. “Sometimes not even that.”

“That I ever made you doubt my affection for you, I am ashamed,” Spock spoke softly. “At times I find you overwhelming and in those times, I have drawn away in an effort to reacclimatize myself to Vulcan ways.”

“Then T-Sa was right.”

Spock shook his head. “Negative. She understands only what she can, she does not know us or what we are or can be to each other. I am half human, and she does not consider that when analyzing me.”

“Yet you have sought the dissolution of our joining.”

“Only because of my concern for you. Vulcan bonds are considered a lifetime commitment and it should never be taken lightly or forced upon a mate who is unable to consent to that commitment. When I considered courting you, it was to be a subject brought up in eventuality, not thrust upon you in passion.”

“Spock.”

“Forcing myself on you in any way, Jim, is abhorrent to me. Whether physically or mentally.”

“I consented fully to Pon Farr,” Jim insisted.

“To save my life. Not to become my mate.”

Jim nodded and moved away then, across the room. “Do _you_ wish to be separated from our bond? Because, if that’s what you want, Spock, I’ll agree. If saving your life had unwanted consequences for you, then I accept that. Being bonded to a human might be more than you ever imagined, and if that is the case, then we can terminate it.”

“I am not concerned for myself.”

He sighed. “Yes, well, I am. Do you love me? You never have to say the words. I understand that they might be difficult for you, and despite the inference from T’Sa, I am not just some dumb human who has to be schooled. If you don’t, all you have to do is say no to the question. We can end this right now. Everything. And never talk of it again. But if you do, say yes, and there’ll be no talk of bond severing again.”

“But Jim—”

“Yes or no, Spock? Not maybe, probably. Not perhaps. Just a simple yes or no. Either way, we can stop talking about it. Yes, things stay as they are, and we’re bonded. We can get married, too. You can move in here. We’ll inform Starfleet of our decision, and that will be that. For the rest of our lives. Together.”

He stopped by his desk and studied it instead of Spock.

“If it’s no, if you really don’t want to be with me, then you can have your elders move forward with severing the bond. I’ll just consider it helping my friend live, and we won’t talk about it again. We’ll remain just friends.”

Because honestly, Jim couldn’t imagine accepting any scenario where there was _no_ Spock. And he really had no idea when that happened. Because back when old Spock said they were friends, well, Jim just couldn’t believe it. Now no one was more important than Spock.

And for what seemed an eternity Spock said nothing and the longer the silence continued, the more Jim just knew that the answer was no.

“Yes.”

His heart feeling like it might beat right through his ribcage, Jim turned at last to face Spock, who stood much closer than Jim had thought.

“You need not worry, T’hy’la. I will always say the words. I love you.”


	6. When You Find Me There, You’ll Search No More

“Are you sure about this, Jim?”

Jim turned with a smile to face his friend. “I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.”

Bones shook his head, but he was smiling, as he adjusted the fold-over fastening of the elaborately embroidered robe Jim wore. “She did a beautiful job on all that fancy finery,” Bones said, admiringly.

“Ah, but are you talking about the robe or me, her baby boy?”

Bones snorted. “You wish.” He smoothed out a stray bit of Jim’s hair and then stepped back to admire his handiwork. “Still think tuxes would have been better.”

Jim shook his head. “No. This is better, since we’re combining ceremonies. A tux would have been way too hot on this planet.”

“Why you gotta go through the bonding thing anyway? You two already share a head.”

“It’s ceremonial mostly. And we don’t share a head, Bones. That’s weird.”

Jim paused before the full length mirror to make sure every last detail of his attire looked right. He’d sent his mom the sketches Spock had provided him. He had expected her to send him the robe when it was done, but she had delivered it in person, reminding him she had advised him she wanted to be present.

That conversation, when he’d been indulging in Double Malted Fudge Ripple ice cream, seemed so long ago now. Only months though.

“Where is my son?”

Speaking of.

Jim smiled. “Let her in, Bones.”

The robe was a muted green and embroidered with gold script. It was beautiful, in fact so much so, that it even looked good on him. He couldn’t wait for Spock to see him in it. And out of it, of course.

Despite what T’Sa had implied or inferred, whichever it was, Spock had absolutely no issues indulging, meeting, and even exceeding Jim’s sexual appetites. They hadn’t needed Pon Farr to be constantly going at it.  They were a match made in heaven, no doubt.

His mom came flying over to him, arms outstretched, and Jim had to admit, as his own arms closed around her, he was perhaps a little more than just slightly glad she had made it.

“Oh, my God, you’re gorgeous,” she said, enthusiastically.

“Mom.”

“Well.” She pulled back to look at him. “I get to be a tiny bit proud I created you.”

“And you created my vestments too.”

“So, time to get married, huh?”

“Technically, according to Vulcan tradition, I’ve been married ever since—”

“Don’t bring _that_ up again,” Bones grumbled.

She eyed him. “Bit of a prude, isn’t he?”

Jim nodded. “Absolutely.” He surveyed her in her long pink sun dress. She’d put an exotic pink flower in her hair that Sulu had given her to wear. “You look beautiful, Mom.”

“Thank you.” She nodded, but her eyes looked a little watery. “I just wish…”

“What, Mom?”

“That all the Kirks could be here. Not just us.”

He touched her cheek gently. “We are all the Kirks now.”

She hugged him again, then, sniffing as she pulled away, and they all left the room Jim had been given to get ready.

Admiral Freemont was there to perform the wedding ceremony, he had loved the idea of putting official Starfleet approval on the whole thing, it was great publicity, Jim was sure. And T’Pau, one of the oldest of the elders of Vulcan, would perform the bonding ceremony.

As Jim had affirmed with Bones, he and Spock were already bonded, as had formed between them during Spock’s time. In the months between then and now, it had strengthened even more. They could now talk mentally each other, which at first Jim had been a little leery of, but now all he thought was that Vulcans were amazing and he was so lucky to have one.

He met up with Uhura, who stood waiting for them. She wore a muted beige Vulcan robe of her own, as she would be standing next to Spock as his representative in both ceremonies.

“Can I have a quick word with you?” she asked.

“Sure. Go on ahead,” he told his mom and Bones. “I’ll catch up.”

When they were alone, Jim turned to Uhura with a smile. “Is this where you warn me not to hurt him?”

She rolled her eyes. “That would have come a long time before now. I know you won’t. Not on purpose. Just as I know he won’t hurt you. Not on purpose.”

Jim nodded, waiting for her to continue.

“I just want to say, that you and Spock are like family to me. Everyone is, really. Leonard, Hikaru, Monty. But you and Spock, well, you rise a little above the rest. And if I couldn’t make Spock truly happy, I’m really glad it’s you.”

“You’re going to make me cry and make my face all blotchy and red,” Jim teased.

She smacked him. “Oh, shut up.”

He laughed and pulled her into a hug. “Yeah. I love you, too. There. Happy?”

“Deliriously so.” She gave him a look. “Come on, farm boy. Let’s get you married.”

In the old days, maybe, okay, probably, the sight of all the Vulcans on the Vulcan side, right, of the clearing where everyone stood waiting, Spock included, might have intimidated him. Even still the sight of a stony faced Sarek next to Spock still gave Jim a little pause. But he’d come a long way, Jim figured. And he realized they were all there to support Spock and to, in some small way, validate Spock’s bond and marriage to Jim.

On the left side were all the Starfleet personnel that had come down from the Enterprise, or other ships, like Freemont and his mom, and they were all much more animated and expressive, and yet Jim felt the Vulcans were just as supportive and pleased for them as the others were.

Interesting.

Jim moved to stand beside Spock, who spent a full minute staring at Jim, face blank to match the others, but eyes warm and affectionate and worshipful enough that Jim could barely breathe.

It was T’Pau who cleared her throat to gain their attention.

They turned as one, to her and to Freemont, to face their future.

****

Jim flopped back on the mattress, panting and sweaty, trying to catch his breath. When he thought he could speak, he said, “That was the best yet!”

“Oh?” Spock queried, sounding all deceptively polite.

“Maybe.” Jim grinned.

“ _Maybe_?”

Jim paused for a thorough kiss from Spock. “Probably.”

“Not acceptable,” Spock said. “There is room for improvement.”

He toppled Jim underneath him.

Jim laughed, gasping for air. “Wait! I wasn’t ready yet.”

Spock pulled back, only slightly. Dark gaze boring down at him. “I am waiting.”

Jim smirked.

“ _T’hy’la_.”

“I love you.”

Spock arched a brow. “And not maybe, probably?”

He shook his head. “ _Definitely_.” And then much more shyly. “And you?”

“As always, Jim, yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, as always, for reading.


End file.
